scaling the wall

Wait. Trust. Believe.

There is a wall between you and me

I’m trying everything I know to get to you

I’m even trying things I don’t know

Like patience, honesty, and faith

Patience because I know this is a process

As instantaneous and whirlwind as it may seem, still a process

And I know we have a way to go

But I’m right here

Even if it’s on the other side of that wall,

Call my name

I’ll answer

So I wait

And this honesty thing, it’s new to me

Not that I am a dishonest person

But just that being who you want to be

Ain’t easy

I like to tell myself that I am a good person

And I deserve wonderful things and experiences in my life

But the reality of the situation is that I haven’t always lived that

Hell, I didn’t even believe it possible for me

I mean, learning your own truth

And discovering who you are as a person is a long arduous process

(There’s that word again)

But it’s necessary

Vital

Once I learned how to be honest with myself,

I realized how simple it was to be honest with everyone

So the truth is I care so much about you

The truth is that sometimes I’m afraid that you will pull away for good

The truth is I wish I could find I way to put into words all the emotions you evoke in me that I don’t even know if there are any words for

The truth is when I lie beside you in your bed

I imagine that I am lying with you in our bed and that we have already created a life together

The truth is I want that to be the truth

And I have faith that it will be

So I trust

Faith is the belief in things unseen, right?

Faith keeps me vigilant on the other side of this wall

And I trust this newfound faith

I trust it because I believe that you are exactly who you say you are

I have faith that everything happens for a reason

And I believe that the reason “I caught your eye” is that I was supposed to

My faith in love, my faith in the power of that love will carry me up, over and through that wall to you

Of this, I am certain

I have never wanted another thing more in this life

Than wanting you in mine

I will not stop until I get to you

So I believe

hindsight…

Reality Check

I’m still checking for you

hoping for you

wishing good things for you

praying for you

My brain says,

“I am a good person.”

My heart says,

“I love you.”

My spirit says,

“I am kind and forgiving.”

My soul says,

“I know what I felt was real.”

no matter

that what you said

was in complete opposition

to what you did

I thought what we had was special

unique

sacred

real

maybe the reality

is

what I had was special

and what you had

wasn’t much at all

I gave love

you accepted in its many forms

kisses and hugs

meals and massages

carnal acts

and selfless ones

I got no return

when all was lost

I held you down

and lifted you up

Simultaneously

I was Superwoman

but when my turn came

I was set adrift

struggling and flailing

for an anchor

against the waves of ambivalence

when you felt the world was using you

as a punching bag

beating your spirit

into a mess of wounded flesh

I used my hands

to caress

my heart

to massage

my words

to ease

my body

to soothe

all the bitterness

all the pain

away

but when I came to you

as a casualty of life’s war

your caustic tone

and abrasive verbiage

cut quick and deep

leaving me bloodier

than I was to begin with

the promises you made

the dreams we had

of a beautiful life together

disintegrated

into the rubble of ugly words

petty gestures

and lies

Lies so heavy, so massive

crushing the fragile nature

of our tenuous situation

Leaving me like a real-life

Cinderella

wallowing in ashes

and as I shake the gray dust from my hair

from my clothes

as I stand to sweep it from beneath

my feet

I’m still checking for you

hoping for you

wishing good things for you

praying for you

My brain says,

“I am a good person.”

My heart says,

“I love you.”

My spirit says,

“I am kind and forgiving.”

My soul says,

“I know what I felt was real.”

you want me?

Q and A

this thing you want me to figure out

I doubt

you dream about

but I imagine

nights long into dawn

knees hugged tight

to breasts

sheltering a heart so weak

shallow beats

glue drying still from the repairs

of last week

last month

last year

with elation and trepidation

(yes, fear)

I approach your request

for more

can’t be sure

so I must ask

“am I up to the task of love?”

“can I do this once again?”

… risk my smile

for your eyes on mine

risk my soul

my light

put this heart on the line

for what could be a might?

I know

you never gain a thing

without risk

no matter how great or small

sometimes we give it all

then fall

or falter

but rather

I’ve had the time

to figure out exactly what I want

in truth my heart’s desire

cowers

behind a mind that warns

“do not be blind”

when facing the revelation

that our ideals are the same

but that could change

how long will I blame my reflection

with its many imperfections

for a few instances of rejection

when I and everyone

can plainly see

how much I mean to you

and you to me

you bring sunshine

to my grayest days

warm my spirit

in a haze of tight embraces

and smiles on faces

lift me high

when I can’t see my own worth

become my earth

calm the fears

beneath the surface of my beaming face

wipe the tears away

make a place for me

in life

we are handed

not one guarantee

but if you place your hand in mine

take the time

days, hours, minutes, seconds

to keep me first

and quench my thirst

for truth

for love

for honesty

for connection—you and me

be my man

my king

my rock

my friend

my teacher

my coach

my boy

my muse

this ain’t a ruse

I got no excuse

to tell you no

so welcome to the show

I want you in my world

I’ll be your girl

the answer is

yes.

transitory thoughts…

Riding the Bus through Chinatown

We are
Dreadlocked Nubian
Shaggy blonde woman
Purple-haired boys on bikes
Pierced and tattooed Indian
Brown black and asian
We are
Every man
And no man
Wealthy attorney
Homeless veteran
Opposite/equal
Victim and oppressor
Moving moving moving
Waiting waiting waiting
We are
Breathless
Never stopping
Forever shopping
Consuming
Partaking
Dreaming
Scheming
Laughing
Lying
Living
Giving less
Taking more
We are
Fake smiles after a day of working
Frowns while we play
Never happy nor satisfied
Chasing that entertainment “high”
The air is filled with music
Pulsing beeping blaring from
Sherbet colored cell phones
Blinking blue lights flashing
America’s personal EKG
“can you hear me now?”
Can you see me?
Feel me?
Touch me?
We are
Speeding by
Candy painted eco friendly vehicles
With TV screens in headrests
Originality?
Scarce commodity
Art? No.
Shoveling soggy handfuls of scripted insanity
Labeled R-E-A-L-I-T-Y programming
Down our collectively parched gullets
Overly seasoned with commercials
Featuring prizes to games
We can’t afford to play
But dying to be a part of
Forcing us to quench our thirst
With more brine- and booze-soaked
Social commentary
Also known as the 6 o’clock news
The bus stops here
We are
Home.

hatina’ netsai/shespeaks1972

3-25-2008

adding it all up…

SIMPLE MATH

one plus one is two

math simplified to basic terms

what is so complex about that?

the problem occurs when the addition

is compounded by the subtraction of respect

the division of “your” time versus “our” time and

the multiplication of the miscommunications and instances of regret

how can this problem be solved

when the negatives are so much greater than the positives?

when one factor’s ideals are exponentially superior to the others?

you got my head banging

like I’m teaching calculus to kindergarteners

I gotta sign up for math lab just to figure this out

can’t get a fraction of your time without you

attempting to reduce me to the least common denominator

when all I want to be is the solution to the equation that is us

hatina’ netsai/shespeaks1972

thinking of you…

Meditations on mood

Complacent
Quiet
Too quiet
Wanna jump out of my skin
And tell somebody to jump in
Sitting still
Mind racing
Carrying me across time and space
To you
Again
I’m backpedaling
Chasing  and chastising myself
To focus on me
Me me me
And all I can think about is
You you you
But no
Stop
Regroup
Write
Play games
Talk shit
Flirt
Hang out
Get drunk
Get loose
Fantasize
Recall your breath in my ear
Your hands in my hair
Shit
Just you in my EVERYWHERE
Close my eyes
Shake my head to clear
The thought of you
Always the thought of you
But
It never happens
Obsession
Attraction
Possession
Passion
And in the end
I make myself as
Available
As I possibly can
No matter
The day
The time
The month
The season
No reason and every reason
Meditating on this mood
Can’t wait
Until I’m in your arms
Again

Hatina’ Netsai/SheSpeaks1972
completed 3/2/2009

the thunderous void of disconnection…

In Silence

the anti-climax is
the climax
the apex
the ending
of all that was
and never was
you ended it
just like we spent it

(in silence)

the lonely couple
together
separate
unbalanced
each left to their own devices
own time
own life

somehow expecting so much more
than the other was
willing to give

(or too willing to give)

this relationship
of extremes
at times so quiet

that I could hear the hurt
swell inside me
always listening for the signal
that would bring you
closer

(it never came)

instead I masked
my concern
wrapped it in
indifference
and presented it to you
as hostility
but I called it
“truth-telling”

(defense mechanism)

you answer back with
bravado
mixed with
machismo
which I interpret as
NOT love

(aka “he don’t give a damn about me”)

so again
we coexist
orbiting one another
touching each other
wanting connection
disenchanted
disillusioned
disconnected

(in silence)

hatina’ netsai-shespeaks1972

another collabo: Robin/Not

NOT
when u/walked away/i could/not/believe u were gone
not here/not there/not anywhere
not when i/could/still sense u
in my bed/in my head
not/your presence/but your essence/not
while the clothes/hang/in my closet
but not/on your frame
not/while i cry/myself to sleep/not sleep
but restless nights/wrestling sheets/to fight
the pain/not love/of you not/being here
how could you/not/be in my life
when you remain/in my heart/not in my life
engraved/on my soul/a hole
flowing/through me/you/me
on the daily/covering/hovering above me/below me
not with me/around me/sounds
of a voice/like yours/not yours/not ours
ring in my ear/disappear/u will/not/disappear
u will/not/reappear/not/here
not touching/not kissing/not hugging
not/loving me
u will/not/leave me
u are/not/here/really
only because/i can/not/let u go/not yet
i rant/rave/scream/cry/moan
not smile/while lonliness/overwhelms me
like the tide/swelling/welling/not telling
me u love me/not/as the waves crest
and attack/the beach/where i lie/not lying
defeated/worn and/waiting/not waiting
waiting/not waiting
for u to/come back/home

Robin/Not

collabo: Room Service/The Shadow’s Dance

i have the privilege of knowing an abundance of creative people,  friends who inspire me to create even when i think i have nothing left to say.  one of these people is a phenomenal artist by the name of Falando Thomas.  i often refer to him as the “male me”.  what follows is a collaboration of his vision and my lyricism.

enjoy.

Room Service-The Shadow's Dance

reboot!

this reinvention of my inner scribe was intended to begin in october of last year. well, life, fate and my innate sense of procrastination kicked in and here i am nigh on 8 months later and my focus is newly charged. not in any small fashion due to the recent and joyous birth of my baby girl, my (not so) dark and precious beauty, Laila Carys Covington. so once again, i initiate the process of releasing and nurturing my creator-given gifts. welcome.